I dont know what to say or do and it's freaking me out. even saying it seems wrong. I'm turing 20 in 13 days and I dont know who I am, what I'll be, where I was or even, or even if I'll make it. adn this is not a mindless rant. this is real. This is me typing. in the middle of the night, not giving a fuck to the errors I make. this is me floundering, drowning in life.
The thing is, I know what I could be. I know I could be amazing and extraordinary and that scares me because it's 12.20 at night and if i live till 80, almost a quater of my life is over. and when you lay every card down on the table, i have got nothing to show for the past 2 decades except an extraordinary talent for fucking up. Failing school. Repeating school. Dropping out of school. All because my head wasn't on straight.
All my friends will move on. and i'll be stuck here. working in a dead end job, not knowing how to be appreciative of life. and then one day ill be so lonely, i'll just turn to the person next to me and marry him. and i'll go through the motions. work. home. work. home. just like that, another 3 decades will be flushed down the drain. Just like that, i'll be saddled with a man that doesn't care and a job that never stops sucking. but, but i'll get used to it, i might even smile once in a while because everything so numb, it's almost bearable. and in my head now are all the people that i've met or will ever meet. My friends, my family and how they'll look and me and say " she'll never amount to something more" because that's who i'll be, the person they use as an example. " if you dont study, you'll end up like her. Deadbeat of a husband, no prospects and a ghost of a smile always hovering" and what's more, I wont be able to refute that. Because I know it's true and I know that I wouldn't gainsay the truth.
My biggest regret is wasting all the talent that god gave me. However little, He gave it to me to do something with it and not squander it away. I dont deserve my family. I dont deserve my friends. They deserve somebody who would make something of herself. Who always had faith, who didn't lie about who she was. who would tell the truth and not just what they'd want to hear. They deserve honesty and respect and pride and integrity and courage and everything. everything that i am not.
I try. Please dont say I didn't because I did. and you'll sit there and smile and wonder what ever became of me. You'd think of pity and relive that you're not me. and you'd give suggestions and look at me with eyes that wont see me. You'd see someone who failed but you wouldn't see me. Maybe once in awhile you'll see who I was, but that'll be over soon. We've all grown up and life moves on.
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