{e m o t i o n a l p o s t c o m i n g u p}

"You're bringing me down and this morning is bad enough as it is" 

I change my emotions to anger. I guess you wouldn't know it by looking at how I act, but it's in me. 

It's when I'm most silent that I'm cursing and swearing and visually killing every person in my way. And you know what? I'm sick of doing that. 

I'm sick of being angry inside all the time. I'm sick of failing all the time. I'm sick of not thinking things through. I'm sick of not being able to control what I do, what I eat, where I go. Gahhh, I'm sick of second doubting myself. 

Yet, I'm proud of myself. Of how far I've come and how normal I feel sometimes. But nothing last forever. 

Another thing that bothers me is that according to Maslow's Hierarchy Theory, I've yet to fulfill the third tier, the social criteria. I have friends. Just not ones who'll be there for everything. I have family. Just one I rarely see and one that treats me less than family. I have religion. Just one that I don't understand and dare I say, one that I cannot feel in my heart. I should feel god all around me. I do feel Allah S.A.W  but there are so many sins that I've committed. Will He still love me if I sin? Will He accept me if I repent, or is it something they just say? Am I ready to repent? And if I repent, will I be able to keep it that way? I don't want to say I'll wait till I get married to understand Islam. I want to understand now but I don't know if I'm ready to repent. 

I guess that's the gist of the matter. I know I'm evil. I do stupid dumb things that bring everything down. 

I'm causally agreeable to be around with, but nothing serious. 

I am disliked by some of my aunts

I am looked down upon in my family

I was not loved by my late grandmother. 

Nobody can love me, maybe not even Allah? 

Ya Allah, Please just let this be a test of strength. I'll keep trying if you're there. Guide me to where I'm supposed to be. Put me in the right place and in the right time. Open my heart wider to your love. Make me whole. I know I'm a sinner. I know I fall more times than I fly but don't condemn me yet.