I feel like I'm living two different lives.
When I'm out with other people I've got to smile and pretend everything's alright. And for the most part, it is. It's alright.
But then I get home and it's dreary and heavy. Like a flood thick toffee syrup pushing down on your back, drowning you down and you want to stand but it's too icky to do so.
By the way, I didn't really mean the last entry. I guess I wrote that in a burst of anger and I hate how mean I was. But what I hate even more is how this is affecting M. I wish I could change it all for M. Find her someone that treasures her properly. To allow her to go relax and do what ever she wants. I wish things would be different for her - that she never married D and never had kids. I'd give up everything I have in this world to see her happy. I must work harder from now on. If not for me, for M.
because I love you so.
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