Please?

1/2

April 03, 2013 at 12:32AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/Xm_N_eHzRz/ Trying to clear this mess of a desk.

Dear Parents.

I'm so tired of ranting in my head. 

You don't listen to me. 

You don't respect me. 

You don't see what I do for you. 

On top of that, you're a hypocrite. 

It's okay for him to spend his days doing nothing - not even lifting a finger to help around the house - but it's not okay for me. 

It's okay for you leave things around after you cook, not even bothering to put the food away but it's not okay for me. 

It's okay for you to buy a whole lot of things that we don't need but it's not okay for me to buy the things I need. 

It's okay for you to leave things everywhere but not for me. 

It's okay for me to wait MONTHS for the things I want but not ok for you. 

It's okay for you to compare me with kids who's parents listen to them and give them respect but it's not okay for me to compare you with other parents. 

Stop it. 

Just stop it.

April 02, 2013 at 04:42PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/XmJaceHzXB/ Cartoons before my chores.

March 28, 2013 at 09:29PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/XZyTyOnzdx/ So cutttte.

For school I need: 

a backpack

shoes

cracks

maybe we're all more beautiful from being broken. 

March 26, 2013 at 02:37PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/XT5hiXHzT-/ There is no fun in making proper faces.

March 25, 2013 at 12:32AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/XPz_4_nzXi/ Goodnight, candlelight.

"If that is not his body, then give him back to me alive." . Widows by Ariel Dorfman by NAFA Final year English Drama

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/XKi9gbHze2/

Photo

via Tumblr http://dareyoutolive.tumblr.com/post/45980015820

Photo

via Tumblr http://dareyoutolive.tumblr.com/post/45980008769

Booms.

via Instagram http://instagr.am/p/XCg1k_nzZ0/

Hello once more,

a few nights ago, or maybe weeks ago- I cant keep track - I've realized how someone I thought I was close to has treated me. I don't know how I could have been so blind.

We were close and then we weren't. When you don't have anyone to eat with, you call me. Unless something better comes along - then it's goodbye.

I don't know why I attract such shitty friends. Maybe I bring it out of them. The more I type the more I realize how I seem to bring out the worst in people. It's me.

I'm the problem.

It feels overwhelming - this revelation. I really do bring out the worst in people. Dear god, my poor family.

No wonder things in my life is shit. I've always brought the worst out of everything. I should come with a warning sign: Prolonged exposure cause destruction.

I cannot breathe. I CANNOT BREATHE. I CANNOT .

The miserable ones.

But there are dreams that cannot be

And there are storms we cannot weather

Studded Glory

Studded glory by calizamir featuring leather crown

I HAVE BEEN OBSESSED WITH STUDS.
GIMME GIMME GIMME.

Republiced days.

1. Made more apple cake
2. Republic on a saturday. Prove of how busy I've been
3. Snapshot from the student show for Chingay, Fire in the Snow
4. Patient Care lessons with my plastic heart boy.
5. Hearts Hilyah gave us during Healthcare Systems
6. Fireworks. I remember thinking in this moment that every thing, every problem would be ok.

Everything's ending soon.

Bitter hearts on a Wednesday.

basically sums up today. 

That and the words "OH MY GOD, WHY?" 

And I just wanted to say that just because you're in a bad mood, 

it doesn't mean that you can take it out on me.

Or do you forget that I'm the only other one here, other than you trying my goddamn best to make it work? 

I am already trying. 

Week's Photos

Light my path, baby, light my eyes to see.

Sometimes it's like you think know everything there is to know about about someone - so you let go a little bit, not too much but you're not too close either - then the days turn over and you realize it's been weeks, maybe even months since you've seen the person. Then when you do see them, everything you know of them disappears and in front of you, is someone brand new. Someone you have to know, all over again.

This is what happens when you grow up. You loose people. But if you find the special ones, the magic ones, they come back to you.

Dream about 1st love

Today I dreamt I met you again. We were at your sisters (do you have a sister?). She was pregnant and I was there with my family. My family was different in my dreams, they were . . .understanding? Anyway, I was there visiting your pregnant sister and I was thinking I wonder what he would say when he sees me. Because apparently, somehow you were still in touch and I matter to you - somehow. Then you were there and I was there and we were happy. God knows doing what. Then I had to go off to Thailand with my family.

HAHAHHAHA. I'm not gonna take this dream seriously, but it made me feel good.

i gots the dumps today

So disappointing with my UT1 results. I really want study but I feel like I'm too stupid.

But no, I cannot give up or give in just because I feel melancholy. I will succeed.
I will make something of my life. I will treasure happiness and family and friends and NOT money.


I will be happy.

Resolutions - 1st Draft

You knew this post was coming.

Here are things I wanna work at, keep in mind that these are not my resolutions, they're merely the first drafts of 2013. A good friend once told me that I couldn't concentrate on more than two things at once, so i figure I'd have better chance of actually completing something if I narrow it down.

• Driving license
• Improve attention span 
• Improve activity level
• Fitness
• Have deeper, more meaningful friendships. 
• Be more patient with people
• Be less judgmental
•  Control myself

I'd never end if I wrote all that I want to do. So which to choose, which to choose? 

): 

Shiny & New.

I only clean my room when I get moody, So today was a perfect day to clean it. Changed the layout again, so I'm beginning to suspect that nothing, I repeat, nothing in my room & future house should ever be nailed down. But I do sort of want to nail up (or down) my mirror onto the first door of my wardrobe. Hmm.
I've very possibly tried almost every layout for my room. It's so frustrating because my room is such an awkward "L" shaped rectangle that's not even properly aligned. I swear to god, there's a corner where it's at least 30 degrees out of line. Future Caliz, make sure you check the parts where the wall meets the floor and make sure they all align. & while we're at it, don't make impulsive purchases. I know you, I know what you'll  do.

Good loves lasts long.

Helloooooo 2012 2013.

This year I spent the last hours with the drama guys. So much fun, it made me miss being in TP. Sometimes I think - no wait - I always think that somehow, I had to go to TP. It's like a set point in my life. I had too. Life would be so different if I didn't go & that's good diff and not a bad. I loved TP. TP forced my hand, TP made me better, TP gave me my drama loves. I will forever love TP for that.

So, before meeting up with the drama loves, I headed out w/ S to R place. Absolutely glad I got S to head down with me! My fingertip were freezing with nerves, mainly because I haven't seen them or spoken to them  since that incident. That one. I just, I just feel like sometimes, we live on - wait no - no point trying to hash it over. It's done, we're over. You never once made it seem that losing my friendship hurt you. You didn't even acknowledge me. In my head we had a fight. All the things I needed to say came out. I shouted to you. I said that I didn't want to try to fix this because I was tired. I am tired of always trying to fix this. We're doomed to fail. And I shouted at you for not trying. Not even caring. I left, but you, you let me. After all the times I tried to keep this going. You, you're my gravity. I want to leave but you pull me in every time.
We left R's early. I didnt want to go, but I did.

Heading to N's after that and had the most amazing seafood pasta! N's mum can really cook! Actually, I kinda craving for it now. Hehs. I spent half the time regretting you and the other half going crazy. And a little bit thinking how both last year and this year I was missing someone. SO LAME. THIS BETTER NOT BE A THING. I DONT LIKE THIS SHIT.

yes, okay that was my last moments of 2012.

Now really, hello 2013.
We've come so far. 
xx

9 things we should know that aren't taught.

I've been playing around with this though for a while,

" If you're not happy for yourself, then you can never be happy for others." 


& if you're never happy for others, there's always gonna be something that will get you down. 


Yes?
xx

again again it's me.

Have i blogged about my birthday? No?

Bought Ben & Jerry to celebrate with the fam at midnight. Woke my mum up so she'd celebrate with all of us, we ended up having B&J & KFC!
Oh shit - no time to blog, have to clean up my room then study!

Health Psychology UT on Weds!
till later
xx

Tips.

Some tips I found to de-flake myself:

• Get to the Real Problem First aka Why is the cognitive thinking behind my being late? Identify the false beliefs that swirl through the procrastinator's emotional undercurrents. If you are forever tardy, you may believe, "I must finish this task before I leave," or, "I shouldn't have to push myself to be on time." 
• Snap out of the PresentThink about how you will feel tomorrow if you skip out on an obligation today. Putting yourself at a distance from your current perspective can tune you in to future regrets and get you moving now.
• Be Responsible for Three MinutesTell yourself you will work on a task for three minutes. When the time is up, you can evaluate if you want to continue or not—but momentum will likely kick in and you will finish up.
• Set up a Penalty SystemMaking life harder for yourself in the long run doesn't mean you'll gladly suffer discomfort, Edelstein says. Try paying a dollar to a cause you oppose for every minute you are late.

Personality Test.

HOBO.

Anyway, did a personality test in school last week & here are the abbreviation results. The actual results were about 8 pages long because of all the explanations! 

The personality test is centered on the Trait theory. Trait study is an approach to studying human personality. Basically, in this, there is the Five-Factor Theory of Personality, also known as the Big 5. 

They are: 

1. Extroversion
2. Agreeableness
3. Conscientiousness
4. Neuroticism
5. Openness

They can be remembered as: CANOE or OCEAN 

Here are my test results:

Your score on Extroversion is high, indicating you are sociable, outgoing, energetic, and lively. You prefer to be around people much of the time.

Your level of Agreeableness is average, indicating some concern with others' Needs, but, generally, unwillingness to sacrifice yourself for others.

Your score on Conscientiousness is low, indicating you like to live for the moment and do what feels good now. Your work tends to be careless and disorganized.

Your score on Neuroticism is high, indicating that you are easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be sensitive and emotional.

Your score on Openness to Experience is high, indicating you enjoy novelty, variety, and change. You are curious, imaginative, and creative.

And then it goes in detail a bit more here: 

Extraversion Facets

Your level of friendliness is average.

Your level of gregariousness is high.

Your level of assertiveness is high.

Your activity level is low.

Your level of excitement-seeking is high.Your level of positive emotions is low.

Agreeableness Facets

Your level of trust is average.

Your level of morality is low

Your level of altruism is high.

Your level of compliance is low

Your level of modesty is average.

Your level of tender-mindedness is high.

Conscientiousness Facets

Your level of self-efficacy is low.

Your level of orderliness is low.

Your level of dutifulness is low.

Your level of achievement striving is low.

Your level of self-discipline is low.

Your level of cautiousness is low.

Neuroticism Facets
Your level of anxiety is high.
Your level of anger is average.

Your level of depression is high.
Your level or self-consciousness is low.

.Your level of vulnerability is high
Your level of immoderation is high.

Openness Facets

Your level of imagination is high.

Your level of artistic interests is high

Your level of emotionality is high

Your level of adventurousness is average

Your level of intellect is average

Your level of liberalism is high.

Obviously, I've got issues with self discipline and I need to work on that before it gets out of hand Hell! It's already getting out of hand with me coming to school late for almost everyday. Another thing that sucks is that "easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living" I don't wanna be that way, but I know that's the truth and I give up and get strung out too fast, too easily. 

You know, this is not the person that I'd be at 21 years old. I thought I'd have it all together by now or at the very least working. But I'm not gonna moan and groan about it, I'm grateful for all the lessons learnt by going down this path. I'm stronger and I will get better. 

I will get better. 

xx

Kiss Kiss

Not inspired to for anything. 

No rants, no deep insights, no loving messages. 

No words? 

No, there will always be words.

Words that fill the air, perfuming my thoughts and stealing my air.

I've been thinking about kisses a lot lately. 

Of all the kisses I've had, I've never had that one kiss. 

The kind that pulls you in, sucks you up,
makes you lost in the other persons arms. 

The kind that takes you deep down and wraps around you,
gently forcing you into bliss. 

The kind where the person you're with becomes your oxygen

and encompasses you and you are them and they are you. 

You never want it to stop. 

And then it does but then you realize that he was never your oxygen. 

He was just merely, your lungs. 

I'll leave you with that tonight because it's cold and I need warmth.
More warmth then you can give me.

xx

There are no words that I can use to tell you my state of mind. 

It's just all over the place I guess. 

-- there you go, four words to tell you. 

Maybe a lot of times it's just me. and a lot of times I'm overthinking, overeating, overdramatic, over - over - over - over. Just a little too over. 

And sometimes it's all of you. I wanna dive into an ocean and shut the world out and just be left alone because I can't stand the silence - the awkward lies, the awkward smiles. The awkward everything. 

Time's flying by, 

Moving so fast,

& you'd better make it count
cause it ain't coming back.

I'll let you go by, 

because this, this is it. 

This is goodbye. 

I will make mistakes and I will hurt some people. - maybe a lot of people. And i'll throw away some friendships and fight for some others. Going away and coming back full circle is part of life and this most important thing is that I will learn some hard lessons.

Give me strenght to know what's right, give me strenght to keep going and trying.

Recently,

How do I explain my need to break away from you?

We're friends, yes. 

Nine years, yes. 

Share similar friends, yes. 

But that was for all these years. What about now? The present? I think I can't relate anymore. You have other people, and we're just not -- not on the same level? 

What if we're still the same people but our lives are different. How can that work? How can you be my "best friend" if nothing's there anymore. I don't tell you about half my life. And I have no clue about yours. 

I think that this is weak. You fight for the ones you cherish. You fight tooth and nail and you fight dirty. But what if what we've been holding on to all this while doesn't exist anymore and our friendship is just stitched together with memories. 

Do I leave now with the memories? You and me - laughing constantly - flea days - bubbletea treats- dirty jokes - walking in the middle of the dark field, yammering on about everything? What about your secrets? Where do I place them? And what about mine? Where do they go? 

Or should I fight till we're both raw and gone? When all that remains of our time is red haze. And pain. Because you don't let friends go without slicing of a little bit of yourself.  

You're so good at indifference and I'm amazing at running away. 

Just give me a reason

Just a little bit's enough. 

Just a second, we're not broken, just bent.

hell if i know. hell if i don't. 

I remember you.

I remember you. So strong and you knew the world. everything. you knew the world.

What's left of you? Shattered bits  & pieces- stitched together by empty bits of hopes and promises.

i'm tired of always trying. I dont know why it's so tough to keep going but fuck it is.


I knew you were trouble - now playing

Childhood Memories: Cartoons Edition

Well, I Ship. . .

Arthur & Francine

Buster & DW

Sue Ellen & Binky

George & Fern

Midnight regrets.

Hello there again,

This has become a place for me to vent. A place away from logic and "proper emotions" and from people. This has become my place.

I'm bad company sometimes, on my mind is what I'd be doing if I were alone. Yes, that means that I'm alone most of the times - but the funny thing is, you can feel alone in a room full of people. Even if everyone in the room is your friend. Things like that happen and I've accepted that. When I'm alone, in my room or the lib or anywhere else, my imagination runs wild. Scenes that would never in a million years happen play in my head, and in my head - I am who I want to be. A person with an exciting future.

I'm probably just feeling moopy now.

I saw a video somewhere that said that - oh shit, I forgot. Hold on a min, I'm gonna tumblr to find the screenshot.


****

oh fuck that, I can't find it basically  it was like

" What made life so exciting when we were young was that we all had hope. We could be whatever we wanted to be.We could be a doctor, a lawyer, a badass rockstar or a dentist. But as we grew up, we had to make choices. And with every choice we make, what we could be, the number of things we could be, shirks.

Then came poly, where we had to choose. One industry, one line, one life. the ultimate choice.

But fact is (I'm just bottom-lining here) there are so much other things to look forward to in life and it's not all work. I hope. Anyway, it's not what you do that matters, it's who you do it with.

Make friends, make lovers, make stories and legends. "

Wednesday

Somethings are better not said.

Late night games of Bubble Blasters

Life's like a game of Bubble Blaster.
Sometimes, life, like the crazy squirrel, hands you the easiest balls, and sometimes you get the worst.
And sometimes, your shots are one in the million and others are . . .less than good.

Sometimes you get to change the game around and others, you end way too soon because of an error or two you made.

Because life's like that. Life's a crazy squirrel.

GPA Sem 1

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands

*clap clap*

Extremly proud of my results because the last time round in TP I couldnt even dream of getting 2.0! Now it's 2.80! 

With a little hard work, I think I'll be able to go for 3.0 or 3.5! :D 

Ten-Minute Beauty

Ten Minute Beauty by calizamir 

2012 Wardrobe Essentials

2012 Back to School by calizamir featuring printed shirts

Angsty Much Monday's

I guess this is the high and low everyone talks about. This is my low. When I sit alone in my room and think of every mean thing about everyone. I make myself out to be someone I'm not and everything evil in me just comes pouring out.

I think it because I'm trying to make myself into something that I'm not. But it's been happening for so long that I have no idea who I really am or what I'm going to be. I'm no longer a lost teenager. Wasn't all this shit supposed to be behind me already?

Nuts in the heart.

Planning to attempt to the purple one! 

I will need:

- 25 cm pieces of colorful rope ( fake leather or satiny like material)
- Many many many gold screw nuts
- Bracelet Closure 

I'll go wherever you will go.

Run away with my heart

Run away with my hope

Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way, way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

xx

17 September 2012, Dinner with W. xx

Simple Plan

Dear boys of Simple Plan,

You were my first loves.

The very first CD I bought - the hours I spent imagining of all the things that would happen when I became a famous song writer (don't judge) and you (specifically Pierre Bouvier) would need me to write a song for you. I'd say no and you'd pester me and against all odds, we'd fall in love. I won't bore you with the details but I thought I'd just thank you. Your songs got me through so many moments. So many awkward situations where I thought I was the only dumbass that shit happened to. How I love you. 

 It was you and me against the world in my head - and boy, were we ever awesome. 

That first album, No pad, No helmets...Just Balls was were I feel in love. And like every other teenage romance, it started of a little slow. I liked you. You were nice and cool, you made me smile and most importantly, you made me feel like the future was something to be welcomed - i couldn't wait to find a boy that would sing me all your songs and not be able to put me in the past. Of course, all the boys in my head had Pierre's face on them but that's how life goes. 

Then it started. 

I became you. Or to make it sound less creepy - I finally became the song. Okay, that didnt sound right either. I felt what you were singing about and I understood and there was heartbreak and joy but most importantly, you were a constant. All that heartbreak in one song but at the next song, you were still there singing about how you'd do anything for me. Which boy would do that?! 

You were my breath. You were the little tingles in my soul. 

Then it changed. 

Maybe it was you, or maybe it was me but we changed. Your newer songs - they didnt click. They were good but we never had that magical moment were we both there and everything else didnt matter. We fell apart. I moved on. 

 I'll always have that special tingle when I hear songs from your first album and now I realise, that that's just enough for me. You've gone a whole new direction and so have I but we'll always share the tingles. 

xx

If I could ever meet her, I'd hope my grandmother appears. I'd ask her why she never loved me like she loved the rest.