April 28, 2013 at 12:37AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/YnXrGPHzas/ Sometimes old is gold, and forever loved. @rahmatkhairudin #ain & #syaza

April 27, 2013 at 04:12PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/Ymd2ZCHzWh/ Gonna see Iron man 3!! #FYEAH!

If I should have a daughter, instead of "Mom," she's gonna call me "Point B," because that way she knows that no matter what happens, at least she can always find her way to me.And I'm going to paint solar systems on the backs of her hands so she has to learn the entire universe before she can say, "Oh, I know that like the back of my hand." And she's going to learn that this life will hit you hard in the face, wait for you to get back up just so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air. There is hurt, here, that cannot be fixed by Band-Aids or poetry. So the first time she realizes that Wonder Woman isn't coming, I'll make sure she knows she doesn't have to wear the cape all by herself because no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. Believe me, I've tried. "And, baby," I'll tell her, don't keep your nose up in the air like that. I know that trick; I've done it a million times. You're just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back to a burning house, so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else find the boy who lit the fire in the first place, to see if you can change him." But I know she will anyway, so instead I'll always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boots nearby, because there is no heartbreak that chocolate can't fix. Okay, there's a few heartbreaks that chocolate can't fix.But that's what the rain boots are for, because rain will wash away everything, if you let it. I want her to look at the world through the underside of a glass-bottom boat, to look through a microscope at the galaxies that exist on the pinpoint of a human mind, because that's the way my mom taught me. That there'll be days like this. ♫ There'll be days like this, my momma said. ♫ When you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises; when you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you want to save are the ones standing on your cape; when your boots will fill with rain, and you'll be up to your knees in disappointment. And those are the very days you have all the more reason to say thank you. Because there's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it's sent away. You will put the wind in winsome, lose some. You will put the star in starting over, and over. And no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute, be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life. And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting, I am pretty damn naive. But I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily, but don't be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it. "Baby," I'll tell her, "remember, your momma is a worrier, and your poppa is a warrior, and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more." Remember that good things come in threes and so do bad things. And always apologize when you've done something wrong, but don't you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining. Your voice is small, but don't ever stop singing. And when they finally hand you heartache, when they slip war and hatred under your door and offer you handouts on street-corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.

Thank you. Thank you.

If I should have a daughter

April 25, 2013 at 07:52AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/YgbCy3HzeY/ Never gonna leave this bedddd

April 24, 2013 at 08:49PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/YfPLmXnzVt/ Mmmmmdap! Jemput makan!!

“You are the books you read, the films you watch, the music you listen to, the people you meet, the dreams you have, the conversations you engage in. You are what you take from these. You are the sound of the ocean, the breath of fresh air, the brightest light and the darkest corner.

You are a collective of every experience you have had in your life. You are every single second of every single day."

 I have no idea where this quote is from but I feel it in my bones that this is true.

April 21, 2013 at 10:54AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/YWcqRmnzYx/ Weddings on a Sunday.

April 18, 2013 at 07:33AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/YOXQwVnzcm/ I'm going to try not to be so weird today.

April 18, 2013 at 12:08AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/YNkbwSHzdT/ That special something.

April 17, 2013 at 08:07AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/YL2Yypnzdu/ I want to see the universe - not RP.

April 16, 2013 at 07:16PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/YKeLO2HzZG/

Marvel: Create your own superhero

April 14, 2013 at 05:40PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/YFJkPpHzal/ Expo on a Sunday

midnight

I've always known that I cannot hold things too close or too dear, for all things fall apart and with them so does my heart. Friendships,items and stories. I think the worst of the lot are the stories. When they end and I have to leave that world, it brings me down just a little. You may say that the characters weren't real but they're real enough for me. All the love and sadness. The flow of power through every word; gone.

Where do I go from there? What do I do? I can't go back because in this world, only moving forward counts.I guess it's the same as everything else really, everything has a time limit.

A friend once told me that she felt her friendship (with another one) had a time limit. Looking back, I wish I could force myself to understand that in that one statement, there was something crucial that I needed to understand.

 I needed to understand that everything has a time limit. Not certain friendships, no certain books, not even certain stories, but everything. All of it, time stamped. Maybe that's why I constantly feel that I'm running out of things to say - or dare I admit it - that I constantly feel like people are going away from me. Not permanently, just away.

Of all my friendships, I've never had anyone who told me I was good enough, or that I mattered, or that I did  good. Maybe that's because I've never done good - or maybe because no one sees me - the real person here. I'm not laughing as much, not smiling as much, and definitely not hoping as much.

One day I hope I can see clearly. Without all these issues in my head banging out for a chance to show. I'll have to remind my brain that we're trying to kill the drama queen and not let her have her moment. But it seems she always wants out.

Sometimes she gets her way.

April 12, 2013 at 11:53PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/YAqoyyHzfF/ Vanilla latte for midnight window shopping!

April 10, 2013 at 06:23PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/X67W6BnzW2/ Cannot believe how yummy I smell right now! Vanilla pear yummmm!

April 06, 2013 at 11:00PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/XxHzqPnzZA/ Flowers & Ribbons.

April 06, 2013 at 04:49PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/XwdXJxHzQK/ Starting my Saturday with a little TP love! Coming for you girls! @effagates @ctizyani @naddy

April 05, 2013 at 10:21AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/XtMMgmnzU9/ Pagi-pagi makan bola. Makan bola pagi-pagi

midnight

Sometimes I feel like I'm a million and one different people stuffed into one earthbound body-like a little bit of everyone is in me. Every time I try to define myself, all the words flow, in all directions and they flow by so fast it's like I can't even catch one of them so - so in the end I am defined by nothing. I am the nothing and the nobody beside you, drifting from place to place - trying to find my anchors in life.

I ask myself so many question and so many times, I get no answers. It literally scares the hell out of me when I look at myself in the mirror and try to find the answers - because don't they say the answers are within us? I find no answers. I look deeper and sometimes all that I can see and the demons that have won. So many of them tearing under my skin, trying to get out. To sin again, and again and again- because it's so easy to sin.

So easy to give in and pretend that I had to other choice or that there will be chances in the future not to sin.The reality of me is that I say and do what I'd think you want me to say and do. Is it possible to mold yourself thin? To be so fake that it becomes who you are.

April 04, 2013 at 11:08PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/Xr_Ohhnzee/ "Instagram, instagram, instagram that shit!"

April 04, 2013 at 09:34PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/Xr0ZasHzUH/ Goodbye @filzzie28 ! Have a great vacay! I love you <3

April 04, 2013 at 09:17PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/XrydhxHzSJ/ My Thursday night with my personal paparazzi! @filzzie28

Ball of nerves

Sitting here under dusk lights, wondering how things will turn out. Results are out today and I am just a ball of nerves.

But now I think, my eyes are heavy and my mind quite.

Goodmorning/Goodnight.
xx

Please?

1/2

April 03, 2013 at 12:32AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/Xm_N_eHzRz/ Trying to clear this mess of a desk.

Dear Parents.

I'm so tired of ranting in my head. 

You don't listen to me. 

You don't respect me. 

You don't see what I do for you. 

On top of that, you're a hypocrite. 

It's okay for him to spend his days doing nothing - not even lifting a finger to help around the house - but it's not okay for me. 

It's okay for you leave things around after you cook, not even bothering to put the food away but it's not okay for me. 

It's okay for you to buy a whole lot of things that we don't need but it's not okay for me to buy the things I need. 

It's okay for you to leave things everywhere but not for me. 

It's okay for me to wait MONTHS for the things I want but not ok for you. 

It's okay for you to compare me with kids who's parents listen to them and give them respect but it's not okay for me to compare you with other parents. 

Stop it. 

Just stop it.

April 02, 2013 at 04:42PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/XmJaceHzXB/ Cartoons before my chores.

March 28, 2013 at 09:29PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/XZyTyOnzdx/ So cutttte.

For school I need: 

a backpack

shoes

cracks

maybe we're all more beautiful from being broken. 

March 26, 2013 at 02:37PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/XT5hiXHzT-/ There is no fun in making proper faces.

March 25, 2013 at 12:32AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/XPz_4_nzXi/ Goodnight, candlelight.

"If that is not his body, then give him back to me alive." . Widows by Ariel Dorfman by NAFA Final year English Drama

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/XKi9gbHze2/

Photo

via Tumblr http://dareyoutolive.tumblr.com/post/45980015820

Photo

via Tumblr http://dareyoutolive.tumblr.com/post/45980008769

Booms.

via Instagram http://instagr.am/p/XCg1k_nzZ0/

Hello once more,

a few nights ago, or maybe weeks ago- I cant keep track - I've realized how someone I thought I was close to has treated me. I don't know how I could have been so blind.

We were close and then we weren't. When you don't have anyone to eat with, you call me. Unless something better comes along - then it's goodbye.

I don't know why I attract such shitty friends. Maybe I bring it out of them. The more I type the more I realize how I seem to bring out the worst in people. It's me.

I'm the problem.

It feels overwhelming - this revelation. I really do bring out the worst in people. Dear god, my poor family.

No wonder things in my life is shit. I've always brought the worst out of everything. I should come with a warning sign: Prolonged exposure cause destruction.

I cannot breathe. I CANNOT BREATHE. I CANNOT .

The miserable ones.

But there are dreams that cannot be

And there are storms we cannot weather

Studded Glory

Studded glory by calizamir featuring leather crown

I HAVE BEEN OBSESSED WITH STUDS.
GIMME GIMME GIMME.

Republiced days.

1. Made more apple cake
2. Republic on a saturday. Prove of how busy I've been
3. Snapshot from the student show for Chingay, Fire in the Snow
4. Patient Care lessons with my plastic heart boy.
5. Hearts Hilyah gave us during Healthcare Systems
6. Fireworks. I remember thinking in this moment that every thing, every problem would be ok.

Everything's ending soon.

Bitter hearts on a Wednesday.

basically sums up today. 

That and the words "OH MY GOD, WHY?" 

And I just wanted to say that just because you're in a bad mood, 

it doesn't mean that you can take it out on me.

Or do you forget that I'm the only other one here, other than you trying my goddamn best to make it work? 

I am already trying. 

Week's Photos

Light my path, baby, light my eyes to see.

Sometimes it's like you think know everything there is to know about about someone - so you let go a little bit, not too much but you're not too close either - then the days turn over and you realize it's been weeks, maybe even months since you've seen the person. Then when you do see them, everything you know of them disappears and in front of you, is someone brand new. Someone you have to know, all over again.

This is what happens when you grow up. You loose people. But if you find the special ones, the magic ones, they come back to you.

Dream about 1st love

Today I dreamt I met you again. We were at your sisters (do you have a sister?). She was pregnant and I was there with my family. My family was different in my dreams, they were . . .understanding? Anyway, I was there visiting your pregnant sister and I was thinking I wonder what he would say when he sees me. Because apparently, somehow you were still in touch and I matter to you - somehow. Then you were there and I was there and we were happy. God knows doing what. Then I had to go off to Thailand with my family.

HAHAHHAHA. I'm not gonna take this dream seriously, but it made me feel good.

i gots the dumps today

So disappointing with my UT1 results. I really want study but I feel like I'm too stupid.

But no, I cannot give up or give in just because I feel melancholy. I will succeed.
I will make something of my life. I will treasure happiness and family and friends and NOT money.


I will be happy.

Resolutions - 1st Draft

You knew this post was coming.

Here are things I wanna work at, keep in mind that these are not my resolutions, they're merely the first drafts of 2013. A good friend once told me that I couldn't concentrate on more than two things at once, so i figure I'd have better chance of actually completing something if I narrow it down.

• Driving license
• Improve attention span 
• Improve activity level
• Fitness
• Have deeper, more meaningful friendships. 
• Be more patient with people
• Be less judgmental
•  Control myself

I'd never end if I wrote all that I want to do. So which to choose, which to choose? 

): 

Shiny & New.

I only clean my room when I get moody, So today was a perfect day to clean it. Changed the layout again, so I'm beginning to suspect that nothing, I repeat, nothing in my room & future house should ever be nailed down. But I do sort of want to nail up (or down) my mirror onto the first door of my wardrobe. Hmm.
I've very possibly tried almost every layout for my room. It's so frustrating because my room is such an awkward "L" shaped rectangle that's not even properly aligned. I swear to god, there's a corner where it's at least 30 degrees out of line. Future Caliz, make sure you check the parts where the wall meets the floor and make sure they all align. & while we're at it, don't make impulsive purchases. I know you, I know what you'll  do.

Good loves lasts long.

Helloooooo 2012 2013.

This year I spent the last hours with the drama guys. So much fun, it made me miss being in TP. Sometimes I think - no wait - I always think that somehow, I had to go to TP. It's like a set point in my life. I had too. Life would be so different if I didn't go & that's good diff and not a bad. I loved TP. TP forced my hand, TP made me better, TP gave me my drama loves. I will forever love TP for that.

So, before meeting up with the drama loves, I headed out w/ S to R place. Absolutely glad I got S to head down with me! My fingertip were freezing with nerves, mainly because I haven't seen them or spoken to them  since that incident. That one. I just, I just feel like sometimes, we live on - wait no - no point trying to hash it over. It's done, we're over. You never once made it seem that losing my friendship hurt you. You didn't even acknowledge me. In my head we had a fight. All the things I needed to say came out. I shouted to you. I said that I didn't want to try to fix this because I was tired. I am tired of always trying to fix this. We're doomed to fail. And I shouted at you for not trying. Not even caring. I left, but you, you let me. After all the times I tried to keep this going. You, you're my gravity. I want to leave but you pull me in every time.
We left R's early. I didnt want to go, but I did.

Heading to N's after that and had the most amazing seafood pasta! N's mum can really cook! Actually, I kinda craving for it now. Hehs. I spent half the time regretting you and the other half going crazy. And a little bit thinking how both last year and this year I was missing someone. SO LAME. THIS BETTER NOT BE A THING. I DONT LIKE THIS SHIT.

yes, okay that was my last moments of 2012.

Now really, hello 2013.
We've come so far. 
xx

9 things we should know that aren't taught.

I've been playing around with this though for a while,

" If you're not happy for yourself, then you can never be happy for others." 


& if you're never happy for others, there's always gonna be something that will get you down. 


Yes?
xx

again again it's me.

Have i blogged about my birthday? No?

Bought Ben & Jerry to celebrate with the fam at midnight. Woke my mum up so she'd celebrate with all of us, we ended up having B&J & KFC!
Oh shit - no time to blog, have to clean up my room then study!

Health Psychology UT on Weds!
till later
xx

Tips.

Some tips I found to de-flake myself:

• Get to the Real Problem First aka Why is the cognitive thinking behind my being late? Identify the false beliefs that swirl through the procrastinator's emotional undercurrents. If you are forever tardy, you may believe, "I must finish this task before I leave," or, "I shouldn't have to push myself to be on time." 
• Snap out of the PresentThink about how you will feel tomorrow if you skip out on an obligation today. Putting yourself at a distance from your current perspective can tune you in to future regrets and get you moving now.
• Be Responsible for Three MinutesTell yourself you will work on a task for three minutes. When the time is up, you can evaluate if you want to continue or not—but momentum will likely kick in and you will finish up.
• Set up a Penalty SystemMaking life harder for yourself in the long run doesn't mean you'll gladly suffer discomfort, Edelstein says. Try paying a dollar to a cause you oppose for every minute you are late.

Personality Test.

HOBO.

Anyway, did a personality test in school last week & here are the abbreviation results. The actual results were about 8 pages long because of all the explanations! 

The personality test is centered on the Trait theory. Trait study is an approach to studying human personality. Basically, in this, there is the Five-Factor Theory of Personality, also known as the Big 5. 

They are: 

1. Extroversion
2. Agreeableness
3. Conscientiousness
4. Neuroticism
5. Openness

They can be remembered as: CANOE or OCEAN 

Here are my test results:

Your score on Extroversion is high, indicating you are sociable, outgoing, energetic, and lively. You prefer to be around people much of the time.

Your level of Agreeableness is average, indicating some concern with others' Needs, but, generally, unwillingness to sacrifice yourself for others.

Your score on Conscientiousness is low, indicating you like to live for the moment and do what feels good now. Your work tends to be careless and disorganized.

Your score on Neuroticism is high, indicating that you are easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be sensitive and emotional.

Your score on Openness to Experience is high, indicating you enjoy novelty, variety, and change. You are curious, imaginative, and creative.

And then it goes in detail a bit more here: 

Extraversion Facets

Your level of friendliness is average.

Your level of gregariousness is high.

Your level of assertiveness is high.

Your activity level is low.

Your level of excitement-seeking is high.Your level of positive emotions is low.

Agreeableness Facets

Your level of trust is average.

Your level of morality is low

Your level of altruism is high.

Your level of compliance is low

Your level of modesty is average.

Your level of tender-mindedness is high.

Conscientiousness Facets

Your level of self-efficacy is low.

Your level of orderliness is low.

Your level of dutifulness is low.

Your level of achievement striving is low.

Your level of self-discipline is low.

Your level of cautiousness is low.

Neuroticism Facets
Your level of anxiety is high.
Your level of anger is average.

Your level of depression is high.
Your level or self-consciousness is low.

.Your level of vulnerability is high
Your level of immoderation is high.

Openness Facets

Your level of imagination is high.

Your level of artistic interests is high

Your level of emotionality is high

Your level of adventurousness is average

Your level of intellect is average

Your level of liberalism is high.

Obviously, I've got issues with self discipline and I need to work on that before it gets out of hand Hell! It's already getting out of hand with me coming to school late for almost everyday. Another thing that sucks is that "easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living" I don't wanna be that way, but I know that's the truth and I give up and get strung out too fast, too easily. 

You know, this is not the person that I'd be at 21 years old. I thought I'd have it all together by now or at the very least working. But I'm not gonna moan and groan about it, I'm grateful for all the lessons learnt by going down this path. I'm stronger and I will get better. 

I will get better. 

xx

Kiss Kiss

Not inspired to for anything. 

No rants, no deep insights, no loving messages. 

No words? 

No, there will always be words.

Words that fill the air, perfuming my thoughts and stealing my air.

I've been thinking about kisses a lot lately. 

Of all the kisses I've had, I've never had that one kiss. 

The kind that pulls you in, sucks you up,
makes you lost in the other persons arms. 

The kind that takes you deep down and wraps around you,
gently forcing you into bliss. 

The kind where the person you're with becomes your oxygen

and encompasses you and you are them and they are you. 

You never want it to stop. 

And then it does but then you realize that he was never your oxygen. 

He was just merely, your lungs. 

I'll leave you with that tonight because it's cold and I need warmth.
More warmth then you can give me.

xx

There are no words that I can use to tell you my state of mind. 

It's just all over the place I guess. 

-- there you go, four words to tell you. 

Maybe a lot of times it's just me. and a lot of times I'm overthinking, overeating, overdramatic, over - over - over - over. Just a little too over. 

And sometimes it's all of you. I wanna dive into an ocean and shut the world out and just be left alone because I can't stand the silence - the awkward lies, the awkward smiles. The awkward everything. 

Time's flying by, 

Moving so fast,

& you'd better make it count
cause it ain't coming back.

I'll let you go by, 

because this, this is it. 

This is goodbye. 

I will make mistakes and I will hurt some people. - maybe a lot of people. And i'll throw away some friendships and fight for some others. Going away and coming back full circle is part of life and this most important thing is that I will learn some hard lessons.

Give me strenght to know what's right, give me strenght to keep going and trying.

Recently,

How do I explain my need to break away from you?

We're friends, yes. 

Nine years, yes. 

Share similar friends, yes. 

But that was for all these years. What about now? The present? I think I can't relate anymore. You have other people, and we're just not -- not on the same level? 

What if we're still the same people but our lives are different. How can that work? How can you be my "best friend" if nothing's there anymore. I don't tell you about half my life. And I have no clue about yours. 

I think that this is weak. You fight for the ones you cherish. You fight tooth and nail and you fight dirty. But what if what we've been holding on to all this while doesn't exist anymore and our friendship is just stitched together with memories. 

Do I leave now with the memories? You and me - laughing constantly - flea days - bubbletea treats- dirty jokes - walking in the middle of the dark field, yammering on about everything? What about your secrets? Where do I place them? And what about mine? Where do they go? 

Or should I fight till we're both raw and gone? When all that remains of our time is red haze. And pain. Because you don't let friends go without slicing of a little bit of yourself.  

You're so good at indifference and I'm amazing at running away. 

Just give me a reason

Just a little bit's enough. 

Just a second, we're not broken, just bent.

hell if i know. hell if i don't. 

I remember you.

I remember you. So strong and you knew the world. everything. you knew the world.

What's left of you? Shattered bits  & pieces- stitched together by empty bits of hopes and promises.

i'm tired of always trying. I dont know why it's so tough to keep going but fuck it is.


I knew you were trouble - now playing

Childhood Memories: Cartoons Edition

Well, I Ship. . .

Arthur & Francine

Buster & DW

Sue Ellen & Binky

George & Fern

Midnight regrets.

Hello there again,

This has become a place for me to vent. A place away from logic and "proper emotions" and from people. This has become my place.

I'm bad company sometimes, on my mind is what I'd be doing if I were alone. Yes, that means that I'm alone most of the times - but the funny thing is, you can feel alone in a room full of people. Even if everyone in the room is your friend. Things like that happen and I've accepted that. When I'm alone, in my room or the lib or anywhere else, my imagination runs wild. Scenes that would never in a million years happen play in my head, and in my head - I am who I want to be. A person with an exciting future.

I'm probably just feeling moopy now.

I saw a video somewhere that said that - oh shit, I forgot. Hold on a min, I'm gonna tumblr to find the screenshot.


****

oh fuck that, I can't find it basically  it was like

" What made life so exciting when we were young was that we all had hope. We could be whatever we wanted to be.We could be a doctor, a lawyer, a badass rockstar or a dentist. But as we grew up, we had to make choices. And with every choice we make, what we could be, the number of things we could be, shirks.

Then came poly, where we had to choose. One industry, one line, one life. the ultimate choice.

But fact is (I'm just bottom-lining here) there are so much other things to look forward to in life and it's not all work. I hope. Anyway, it's not what you do that matters, it's who you do it with.

Make friends, make lovers, make stories and legends. "

Wednesday

Somethings are better not said.

Late night games of Bubble Blasters

Life's like a game of Bubble Blaster.
Sometimes, life, like the crazy squirrel, hands you the easiest balls, and sometimes you get the worst.
And sometimes, your shots are one in the million and others are . . .less than good.

Sometimes you get to change the game around and others, you end way too soon because of an error or two you made.

Because life's like that. Life's a crazy squirrel.